I thought I would be leaving my stiff upper lip behind in the UK when I came to live in Australia. To us Poms, “The land Downunder” is portrayed as one with relaxed surfers walking barefoot down the street, a can of Fosters in hand saying “No Worries Mate”. The fact that you can’t actually get Fosters here in Australia doesnt seem to matter, and the Paul Hoganites continue with this stereotype……
So imagine my surprise when I discover Australian bureaucracy! Let me explain, and try not to rant (no promises!)
This first hit me when I got my 1st parking fine within a week of living here, what a naughty newcomer!
I parked in what I thought was a legal place, albeit a little strange as it semi-obscured (but not blocked) the entrance to the Yacht Club. The lines on the road were there, and the sign to tell me parking was permitted, and as it was the only parking space available, I popped my little hire car right there! Surprise number one when I found a $100 fine on my windscreen at the end of a lovely evenings sail. I thought long and hard about challenging this with Townsville Council, but thoughts of my tenuous visa and the need to be a good citizen got the better of me and I paid up! Four days later – they came along and re-painted the lines, excluding this space – glad to have made a donation to their line painting!
Talk about moving the goal posts!
The 2nd parking fine, gained a couple of weeks ago was for parking the wrong way round…..the signs tell you when you park that you have to be parallel or angled. Being a good potential future citizen of Australia, I parked angled as stated, but had my front end in instead of my rear – another bloody fine. I’m still steaming about it, so not yet coughed up the dollars, but likely I will. Will watch out for that one in the future!
Steam settling down, now let me tell you about traffic control. Anytime anyone does any work on the roads, they have to employ traffic control. This is a separate company which supplies signs and the numerous people to hold them. You may wonder whats wrong with this, how sensible for the government to hold the safety of its public at heart, however!
Down the road from me, the roads are hardly used, This area of Townsville is very quiet, you could probably count the number of cars which drive by on one hand. Imagine how frustrated I became when I approached the end of this quiet road as I rushed to work and a small hole was being dug to see a man holding a stop sign. He slowly walked up to me, in a Hoganesque manner and asked me which way I was going. I tried to bite my tongue and avoid sarcasm as with no indicators on my car flashing, I was hoping to go straight on. He spoke into his radio in his Ozzie drawl to tell them of my intentions, then waved me to go.
Someone to hold the sign for the occasional car, another to watch!
This company supplied 2 people on each of the 4 sides of the junction to do this (and one of the roads is a dead end!!) Imagine the cost! I ranted on about this to one of my clients as I was examining her tummy. She agreed with me, and said the water company she runs has to hire them out, no way of avoiding it. She explained that on one occasion, she had work going on in a park, and still had to employ them, despite the fact a car would have had to mount the pavement and travel along a patch of grass to get anywhere near the hole!
See the huge traffic chaos this is creating?
Maybe the government have their theories based on Keynesian economics – digging holes to fill them back up again – it may serve to boost the economy but it didnt boost my spirits on that particular journey to work!
Job Creation Scheme!
Being a Brit abroad, I do find a need to send the odd postcard or two (you not got yours from me yet??) How easy in the UK to buy a card, buy a stamp, in pretty much any shop, or kiosk in any town, out on the street, even in machines. Oh no, not in Australia, for you have to have a licence to sell a postage stamp – so you have to visit “Australia Post” shops to buy one – how convenient!
Am I ranting, just a little? So sorry! Shall I continue? Well, it isnt out of my system yet so I shall.
I remember as a kid that Sunday feeling when nothing was open, half day shopping on a Wednesday, everything shutting early – well, although it wasnt that long ago that I was a kid (honest!) its like traveling back through time coming here. Admittedly, shops (some) are now open on a Sunday, but only just. During the week, everything shuts at 5pm, but on a Saturday, you have to be sharpish as they close at 4! Maybe its a good thing, certainly wasnt when I first discovered it at 3.30 when I set out to shop one Saturday! Thinking about it, maybe this is a good thing, once you get used to it!
Carrying on…….did you know that I now live in Queensbureaucracyland??? Much of it originates in Brisbane, some 1500km away! Even the air conditioning for our public buildings is controlled from a room there! I’m far too professional to talk about work too much here, but I can say that I have never seen so much rules, regulations and paperwork. I have been looking around for the procedure on passing wind before a fine lands in my rain afflicted mailbox!
There are also so many bylaws, one of my favourites came to light when I sat on the beachfront with my daughter, bag of fish and chips in hand and a small bottle of cider at our sides.
Within seconds, two very enthusiastic officers cycled up to us as the first chip entered our mouths and ordered us to tip our offensive drinks away instantly as it was illegal. We clearly looked like we were about to commit a public order offence, but keen not to break the law and be evicted from my our new country, yet being far too Welsh to waste anything, into my car the drinks went and our whole “Fish and Chip and Beach Treat” spoiled! Hmmmm! G’day!
We still tried to make the best of it and hoped we didn't eat our fish and chips the wrong way!!
So, here I am, in the Land Down Under, land of the chilled out, the relaxed, but watching my P’s and Qs and which way round to park my car. When I first arrived here and watched the TV, I was amazed at the adverts which seemed to have a preoccupation with life assurance and funeral planning, now I understand things a little more!
Come visit Australia, but read your rule book first, or else!
